Heartache City

Eleven years ago, I fell in love. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t focus. I was intoxicated.

Over the 11-years there were ups and downs and perhaps in retrospect signs that all was not quite OK. The funny thing is, often you don’t actually register the signs until afterwards. The last 2-3 years have been one long roller coaster of off and on again culminating in me finally moving out a few months ago. Even then, all was to some extent OK. I still loved her but I needed to get some space and process things a bit. In my heart, I think I knew that it was over but I held out that little glimmer of hope that somehow, the woman I once knew and loved would make herself visible again. I guess it was the same for her too.

I won’t get too personal because I have no wish to cause further issues. Suffice to say, the love of my life needed to be the center of my attention. I felt my soul was being sucked out to be honest at times.She could never see that not only was she the center of my attention but that I was happy to have it that way. I think many people understand what I am saying here despite it sounding illogical.

Then, just a few weeks ago, she fell in love again. Not with me but with someone else. And much to my amazement, I simply fell apart at the seams. I am still struggling day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and hell, I cannot focus nor think of anything else. Trust me, I have tried. Deep down, I know that I will be OK and that very possibly, this is the best thing that happened to me in a long while.

And that is where I totally despair. How can this be? I apologise to you all, but I decided to write about it in  the vain hope it would help – I am an expressive person. A deeply loving person. I have come to a couple of conclusions today…

  1. I have to have a person in my life – the center of my life. I have been in two relationships this last 30 odd years with no break in between, and I know that I must try to make me the center of my life and not someone else. Unless I find a way to do this, I am in deep doodoo.
  2. I have lost my very best friend. I do not recognise her anymore. This is really a deep source of pain. She was my best friend, the one I could confide my deepest secrets to, the one intimate person that I could be myself with. She has gone now and I know she will never be back for now she plays the role for someone else. In this respect, she is irreplaceable.

I will be honest, I simply don’t know how to process this. Friends think I am mad to not be happy to be rid of her. I begin to question my sanity too in this regard.

I need closure but I won’t get it. Not from her anyway, She is happy. She is on another alien planet and she has morphed into someone I simply do not know and yet, again, incongruently, I actually know her better than she knows herself.

Time – they say is the healer. I hope so.

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