Funny thing is that I have spent years trying to figure this out. I have met different parts of my psyche in meditation and for a while, I thought I knew who I was – warts and all – or probably better put as Mr. Angry and the others.
But, you know, that isn’t who I am.
Nope. It’s who I thought I was. Actually, I now know I haven’t got a clue who I am.
When you live with someone – a wife or a partner – for 30 odd years, you become someone else. Then when suddenly, after all that time with a special someone in your life (or a special two someones over that 30 odd years), you find your self single. Then, you look in that mirror of reflection and suddenly doubt everything.
Who the fuck am I? What do I want in life?
I actually do not know.
I know both of my long-term partners would probably laugh this off and tell me I’m deluded but actually, I lived for them. I tried to be who they wanted me to be and do the things they wanted me to do – or perhaps more accurately and possibly significantly worse, I became the person I thought they wanted me to be. I knew him – that man. I invested in figuring him out only to conclude, I was deceiving myself.
I just started watching Californication with David Duchovny. I’d seen a couple of episodes in the past and thought it rather shallow – sort of TV porn. This time, being who I am now, I recognise him. He is me. Paralyzed by not knowing who he is any longer. Mind you – he seems to be having more fun with it than I….
So, as a 57-year old single guy, I got to start all over. I need to figure out who am I? What do I want? And I mean ME – me for my sake not the me for your sake…
Its a shocking revelation and it is going to take some time to figure out….