There are times when people make snide remarks to me like who do you think you are? There are others who think that my interest in certain topics is a reason to make fun of me. Some marvel at the range of things I do – ‘how do you find the time?’ they ask. It has been like that all my life and when I was younger, the unkind words hurt and wounded me. Even now, there are times when I realize that whatever it is inside of me that drives me, it often puts me counter to mass thinking, fashion or ideas. But sometime around 20 or so years ago, something clicked. It was this. It is my life. I have one shot. Whatever is going on around me, whatever is in the news, whatever the latest end of the world prophecy, I am not going to fret. Nope. I am going to live. I am going to do things I want to do and express myself. I’m on my own and I have to be responsible for me. No one will ever take care of me as well as me.
In the last few months, a number of people have sent me messages or said to me privately, you know you have balls to say the things that you do and I privately I agree with you…. but, I could never say so. I would lose friends, my job etc. etc. It made me realize that I am still the odd one. The one the mainstream would take the piss out of. Even my ex would tell me sarcastically it was a waste of time to meditate on Pinocchio – taking the piss out of my interest in myth, legend and fairy tale – which I believe hold deep vat fulls of esoteric knowledge and guidance and are well worthy of meditation and more.
And you know, I have been successful at what I do. Writing, making music, poetry, photography….. business. Not in the sense that I am famous or wealthy, but in the sense that I have done it. Stretched myself, explored myself and the world around me and had the guts to do what people told me I could not or should not do.
I have made mistakes and my life has taken pathways I never expected. I have lived in the UK, USA, Europe. I am somehow stateless these days. I live alone. I have kids in Texas and in the Czech Republic, family in England, a girlfriend in Hungary and friends around the globe. I have been rich and I have also had nothing but a suitcase with underwear and a pair of gardening jeans. And you know what – it didn’t matter a jot! Happiness doesn’t come from things or even other people. It comes from within.
I have met famous people and hung out with billionaires. I have partied in San Francisco and shivered in Aberdeen. The only major city I never visited in the USA is Portland – perhaps another day. I have lived in a huge sprawling home with 3 Benz in the driveway and a 50m pool and Jaccuzi in the back yard and also in a single room not big enough to swing a cat. I have experienced being flown out to meet the CEO to convince me to stay in a job and fired from one that I gave my all to. I have built my own PR and marketing business and sold it. I have been deep in debt from a business idea gone wrong. I have published peer reviewed papers and PhDs and stacked shelves in a supermarket as mop manager. And I hope that I have much more time to do more, be other places, meet new people and continue to dream this wonderful dream.
It’s not that I am singing my own praises here. I am just realising that being different. Seeing ghosts. Seeing the Goddess step out from behind a stone. Seeing the spirits inside a tree. Hearing music in my head. Seeing a sword emerge from the water. Imagining alternate universes…… all of these things. They have proven to be gifts. At the age of 60, even with a pandemic going on around me, I can say I may never have been happier. I realise that I am alive. I live. I do what I think and I think what I think. And that is how it should be. More than that – I am equally happy alone as I am with friends or relatives. I have endless things to do – be it researching the slavic Gods, trying to bump into the local shaman who leaves his stones around my area, building my business, writing another book, meditating on Pinocchio or thinking about science or just listening to music.
Life is fun. Live it.