For the last months I have felt as if I simply wait to die. I have no interest in anything. I see negative everywhere. I sit and try to plan – after all I’m single these days – I can do or be anything that I want right – but I don’t actually know what I want! I spent a lifetime knowing what I wanted and achieving and now, I can’t plan a day ahead and if I do, I can’t be bothered to do it anyway. I want to sleep but my sleep is full of dreams that are painful and wake me up. Everything seems magnified and more difficult than it should be. I have also noticed that I have been shedding ‘friends’ at exactly the point when I need friends. Yet, these ‘friends’ I see are not my friends at all. I don’t need them in my life.
Last week, I wrote a new song – it’s still in draft form and needs recording. I tend to sing stream of consciousness lyrics when writing these days and I was quite amazed at what came out…
I gave you everything you wanted
And then I gave you even more
I thought of you everyday
And then thought of you some more
I worked my ass of every single day
I’ve been honest in every way
I put everyone else before me
Where the hell did that get me?
I’m done with putting myself last
Life is disappearing much to fast
I’m gonna live how I want
I’m gonna do things I never did before
It’s my life
It’s MY life
It’s my life and I’m gonna live it
There is anger in there. Both at me and at others. It is my life and I do want to live it….. but I don’t know how yet. Then, I literally forced my way to go visit an old friend. It seemed like a fight to get there too… and I reconnected – with the Earth, with me and with them. I’m still not sure what I want to do when I grow up….. but I have at least a start and I know that the rest of my life won’t be about chasing money, lifestyles, things…. but chasing the real me.
Wish me luck please….