Life

Living Solo

For something like 35-years I have been in a relationship. For the last few months I have been well and truly single. At first, I was horrified and still find going to bed alone deeply troublesome but I have grown somewhat used to being single and begin to see many benefits. No one tells me what to do If I want to watch Hull City games, no one objects If I want to have a glass of wine, I can If I feel like eating, I do I am under no pressure to get up with others every morning I can play my guitar LOUD – and my music too Yes. Actually, when and if I meet someone new, it might be difficult to shall we say, re-adjust.

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The Stream of Magic

I’ve talked in these pages many times about the stream of life and the song, row, row, row the boat. I confess to finding this little song fascinating as an esoteric writing. Just recently, I have been through a very deep and long lasting depression caused in some sense by the break up of a long-term relationship and then the need to come to terms with being single, a bit isolated in the Czech republic and realizing I had lost sight of myself and what I wanted. Well, a few weeks ago, I woke up one morning and just decided that any rebirth had to start with changing a few basic things like diet, my weight and attitude. I woke up realising I was creating my own miserable reality by

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Wasted Energy

I have written poems and blogs about this and yet, sometimes you have to be reminded. There is a flow to life – some call it fate, perhaps others karma – it takes you were you need to go, to the people you must meet and to the lessons you must learn. If we just went with the flow all would be well. Its the children’s rhyme that always reminds me of this – Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream, Merrily merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream The problem is that sometimes we get stuck on a rock or we see something that makes us want to row against the stream. So we beat like mad. We lose sight of where life is taking us.

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Hello World!

I just woke up from a bad dream. Did I really cut myself out of my own life for all those years? Yes, I did. For the love of someone else, I turned my back on what I was and spent my time giving what I thought she wanted and denying who I was. Well no more. The last 10-years has been all about someone else. A person who pulled me in to push me away. Over and over. Who criticized the core of my being and shamed me into being someone I am not and never will be. Quite honestly, I can’t believe this happened at all. What was I thinking? Hello World…… Hello Gary. I’m glad you are back. Forgive me. I was lost. But Im finding my

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Moving On

There are moments in life in which fate acts. That can be the only explanation. Just like the Tower tarot, your world is shaken and the foundations tested and even as the chaos seems to grow and overtake everything, the Sun will shine on a new dawn and the wheel of life keeps turning. For the last few months, I have taken shelter, as the tower shook and then crumbled on its unstable foundations. I found myself powerless to act. I was afraid. Afraid of losing a sense of stability and of something that I thought I valued. Everywhere I went, everyone I met, and even the signs in the sky kept telling me the same message that I didn’t want to hear. Like the monkeys, I blocked my ears

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Looking for Love in A Foreign City

Now I am single again, my attention has already turned to trying to get out there and about. In truth, I’m not ready. I need to heal first. But, love won’t come looking for me sitting alone in my apartment watching Californication and wondering why I can’t act a bit more like David Duchovny’s character. So you sign up for a dating site or two and you set off for any party, get together, or meeting you can find. These dating sites are a crock though. I mean how do you decide if you like a person or not based on their best polished and photoshopped picture? I did get a bit of an ego trip though signing up for one. After just a day my profile was locked so

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Heartache City

Eleven years ago, I fell in love. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t focus. I was intoxicated. Over the 11-years there were ups and downs and perhaps in retrospect signs that all was not quite OK. The funny thing is, often you don’t actually register the signs until afterwards. The last 2-3 years have been one long roller coaster of off and on again culminating in me finally moving out a few months ago. Even then, all was to some extent OK. I still loved her but I needed to get some space and process things a bit. In my heart, I think I knew that it was over but I held out that little glimmer of hope that somehow, the woman I once knew and loved would

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Gotcha Moments

As we ride along in that open top car called life, there are a few moments that I’m gonna call gotcha moments, that shift and alter everything. I’m having one now as readers of my last post (all three of you) will have discovered. It’s like having a nightmare from which you don’t awaken and actually have to resolve rather than just calm down from. Suddenly, things are crystal clear. I should have walked away years ago. It wasn’t a fit but since I had sacrificed so much to be in that relationship, I surely didn’t want to give up on it. By the way, this is from my perspective. I’m sure she has her own perspective and its probably equally valid for her. Now I’m sat here trying to

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Who Am I?

Good question. Funny thing is that I have spent years trying to figure this out. I have met different parts of my psyche in meditation and for a while, I thought I knew who I was – warts and all – or probably better put as Mr. Angry and the others. But, you know, that isn’t who I am. Nope. It’s who I thought I was. Actually, I now know I haven’t got a clue who I am. When you live with someone – a wife or a partner – for 30 odd years, you become someone else. Then when suddenly, after all that time with a special someone in your life (or a special two someones over that 30 odd years), you find your self single. Then, you look

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Fake News and The Fight For Reality

When I wrote The Last Observer, I never imagined that a real fight for reality would actually happen. However, inundated with information, we are subject to all sorts of reality creating content – some of it fake and much of it it twisted. Be aware that there is a battle going on for your mind and this battle isn’t what it seems. You see your mind is a powerful reality creating device and if someone can hijack your mind and get it working in a certain way, they can use you to create the reality that they want. The media and politicians, religious zealots, and others have always used this technique but today, the tools to do so are easy to obtain. We tend to surround ourselves with reality reinforcing

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