Gotcha Moments

As we ride along in that open top car called life, there are a few moments that I’m gonna call gotcha moments, that shift and alter everything. I’m having one now as readers of my last post (all three of you) will have discovered. It’s like having a nightmare from which you don’t awaken and actually have to resolve rather than just calm down from. Suddenly, things are crystal clear. I should have walked away years ago. It wasn’t a fit but since I had sacrificed so much to be in that relationship, I surely didn’t want to give up on it. By the way, this is from my perspective. I’m sure she has her own perspective and its probably equally valid for her.

Now I’m sat here trying to build a bucket list and struggling because, as I said, I am trying to find me again. The dynamics of two is different and the me in the pair is a different person to the single guy I am now. Did you follow that?

I feel anger actually and frustration that so many things that I thought and believed were just not so. Time and time again, the age difference and culture difference seemed to gang up on our ability to communicate. The anger is directed towards her and also to me and I hope that resolves itself through time because as I recently wrote in a song lyric,

I know that you blame me
and everyone else
But I can tell you
You must blame yourself

You can’t live life
Without actually doing
You can’t do anything
Without taking a risk

Risky business
It’s a risky business
Risky business
It’s a risky business

Yes – I can’t be blaming her, the age difference, the cultural difference. I must blame myself. You only live once and in order to live fully, you have to be in command of your own life and make decisions for you – not for someone else.

I guess that’s the Gotcha moment in my scenic car ride. It’s my fault because I allowed it to happen.

So, onwards we go….. hoping to be a bit more self-confident and assertive in managing my life.

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