And now for a small expression of frustration! Actually, this is another take on what is a theme for me I think. You see I seem to be a double act.
On the one hand we have the ordinary me. I can be described as a somewhat cantankerous, somewhat perverse person who is prone to be lazy, probably selfish and always seems to have no time. I am ‘sucked in’ by the sheer pace and complexity of life; big job, lot’s of stress, worried about the kids, worried about the fact that I am worried, scared half shitless when I look in a mirror and realize I have wrinkles, gray hair and a belly and time is running out. Frustrated that I cannot quit smoking and I seem to have all the willpower of an ant. You know what I mean right? I am just a human that sometimes feels like life is just totally out of control.
On the other, on rare occasions I discover another me. This one seems somewhat tuned in, focused on self improvement, content – even happy. He doesn’t want anything in particular but to be happy, pursue a spiritual life and share what he can with those that have any interest. Quite honestly, this person would be happy to live in a one room bedsit and meditate all day. I think this person, feeling connected with the All and Everything is sympathetic, unselfish and actually rather nice. He also takes his magickal studies seriously.
And there is my frustration. I would like person no. 2 above to become the dominant one. The one that was present most of the time but no matter how I try it doesn’t or won’t happen. In fact, I can’t even remember most of the time to follow through with exercises like blessing food and drink, using water to wash away unwanted aspects of myself and so on (see Bardon for details of these exercises). Sometimes, I am so far away from being person No. 2 I wonder if he really exists or I just imagined him.
Life is just too damned charismatic……